In Fear We're Made Stronger
by Cavanaugh Park
Summary: LL: One Parter Rory was gone. Quite literally. Lorelai was afraid. Quite literally. Sometimes fear isn't what it seems. Takes place after the Season 4 finale.


In Fear We're Made Stronger  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own anything related to the Gilmore Girls. All belongs to the worthy Amy Sherman Palladino.   
  
Warnings: Rated PG for mild swearing.  
  
- - - - - - - - - -  
  
She had lost her daughter. Rory was gone…  
  
Quite literally, actually, and Lorelai was in a state of shock. They never fought, well, not really, but this was different. This was a change in their relationship. This was…reality.  
  
- - - - - - - - - -   
  
That morning had started off innocently enough, normal enough. Well, except for that whole argument thing, which Lorelai decided to dispel from her mind as her hand reached over and pounded the top of the alarm clock in an attempt to shut it up.   
  
Staying true to her morning ritual, she rose and stretched, taking a deep breath before shlumping over to her closet and choosing what to wear. More shlumping ensued into the bathroom, where she freshened up and changed into a simple pair of well-worn jeans and a plain, black t-shirt. Physically she was preparing herself for the day, and mentally she was preparing herself for the battle.  
  
Feeling much better, she pulled on a pair of boots, and traipsed down the stairs, determined to put on a happy front for her daughter. Happiness…where had that been after 8 p.m. last night? "Nowhere," Lorelai muttered aloud as she finished her descent down the stairs, with slightly less enthusiasm than before.  
  
Half expecting Rory to be seated at the kitchen table eating some sort of junk food, Lorelai was surprised to be greeted with an empty table and the ticking of the clock.   
  
"Hmmm…this is more serious than I thought," Lorelai said aloud, half jokingly, yet concerned.   
  
Usually her arguments with Rory ended in a stalemate, both either too proud to apologize, or finally saw the error in their ways. Either way, apologies were something neither expected, much less received.   
  
Knocking on Rory's bedroom door, Lorelai was once again greeted with eerie silence. She pushed open the door, and walked into her room, straight to the window and peered outside. Rory's car was gone.   
  
With a sigh, Lorelai turned around and surveyed the room. She was anxious to get the first few moments of discomfort following a fight out of the way, and with Rory nowhere to be found, it was hard to continue with her plan for the day.  
  
Her eyes passed over Rory's collection of stuffed animals, the well-worn spines of her books, her dresser, and came to rest on her daughter's bed. The bed where everything had happened. Suddenly it was so real, too real. She had lost her daughter. This was one of the final steps into the oblivion where friendship and a cold relationship entwined.   
  
Lorelai ran her palm down the cotton bedspread, and pressed her fingers into the pattern of stitching, following the lines down to the foot of the bed. Picking up one of Rory's stuffed animals, she began a steady one-sided conversation with the pig.  
  
"Looks like it's just you and me from now on…Porky. Your mama is gone. Nobody to pick you up anymore, play with you, hold you when you're scared, or when she's scared. There's nothing left. There's nothing left with you and there's nothing left with me."   
  
Tears began to slip down her face, and Lorelai moved against the wall, and slipped down so that she was sitting facing the sad looking pig at the bottom of Rory's bed.  
  
"Let me tell you, Mr. Pig…it's a cold hard world out there. Just be lucky you're a stuffed animal. No emotions, no feelings, not a real life."   
  
She crawled over to the bed and picked up the pig, and sat down at her place against the wall once more. Tracing the lines of the pig's face and body, Lorelai continued.   
  
"I mean, look at what's happened to us. I'm losing my daughter. I'm losing everything." The tears began falling more freely now, but with a small laugh she retorted, "I'm losing my mind!"  
  
Continuing her narrative to the pig, she said, "I should be lucky I guess. I've got the inn, I've got this," she said, gesturing to the house surrounding her, "and I've got one hell of a kid. I mean, look at how long she waited to have sex. I guess I'm lucky that she didn't go out and start procreating the minute she hit puberty, like me, but then again…she isn't me. And god, what's going on with us? It's never been like this before. We've always been able to discuss relationships, but now…I had no idea about Dean. NO IDEA!"  
  
Lorelai was almost sobbing as she said, "But then, I think that she's grown up. I've grown up right along with her. I mean look at all the great guys I've known just in our life together." She began counting off on her fingers, "Chris, Max, Alex, Jason…well, he's not so great…Luke…"   
  
She stopped, and that name was enough to even stop her sobs. "Oh shit, Luke!" She half stood, and then returned to her seat against the wall, still clutching the stuffed pig.   
  
"Oh god, what am I going to do?" She pulled her knees up to her chest, and buried her head in her hands, and just rocked back and forth while sobs wracked her body.   
  
"What am I going to do?"  
  
- - - - - - - - - -  
  
This very same question was on the mind of one nervous, yet perturbed diner owner. What was Lorelai going to do?  
  
Luke was one for disappointment. He didn't live for it, but he'd accepted that it was a well-known fact of life that he lived a very disappointed man. Disappointed in his career, disappointed in his relationships, and pretty much disappointed in himself.   
  
This didn't mean he was unhappy though. He was happy enough for a diner guy who had just kissed the girl of his dreams, not once, but twice, last night, and still hadn't heard from her. But then again, he still hadn't gotten up the courage to call either, and that was precisely why Luke was disappointed in himself on that Saturday morning.  
  
Not wanting to stay at the inn after he fled, doing a little fleeing from his own emotions, Luke returned to his home above the diner and got piss drunk. He was scared.  
  
He was scared of screwing everything up, but mostly he was scared that the feeling of bliss would end. Naturally it did, heeding way to the said disappointment, but it did give way to a little afterglow, which Luke did not welcome with open arms.  
  
He was also scared that everyone would be able to tell. Was it selfish of him to want this one thing for himself for awhile?   
  
He decided that it wasn't, and turned around the corner of the counter, delivering two orders of eggs and toast to a couple, and refilling the coffee mugs of three others. For once he was happy that he had a mundane job so that he could think about his plan of action.  
  
After returning to his resting place behind the counter, he waited as Caesar cooked up a few more orders, and mostly thought. Well, he had to call her. "That's obvious," he muttered to himself.   
  
As he carefully thought out every possible scenario and reaction to his call, he didn't realize that Kirk had walked in the front door and was standing in front of him. "Luke?" came Kirk's hesitant voice.  
  
Startled, Luke jumped a bit and replied with a short, "Ah, geez Kirk, what do you want now?"   
  
"I just want to thank you for saving me from complete and utter humiliation last night."  
  
"So, running through the town square naked wasn't completely humiliating?" Luke replied.  
  
"Well, no," Kirk replied, as if trying to convince himself. "I couldn't let this great deed go without thanking you personally," he countered, shifting from one foot to the other.  
  
"Don't mention it," Luke drawled, obviously amused by Kirk's discomfort.   
  
"Well, I think I'd like to order something now."  
  
"Kirk?"   
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Get out of my diner."  
  
Kirk scampered away quickly, afraid that Luke would start spewing his embarrassing story in an attempt to make him leave more quickly, and Luke just smiled. "Today is going to be a good day…"  
  
- - - - - - - - - -   
  
While Luke was relishing the fact that he could still scare Kirk after last night, Lorelai's day was progressing from bad to worse.  
  
She had gone from being concerned only for her daughter, to being completely concerned for herself and her present situation. What was she going to do about Luke?  
  
And so, like in all great times of crisis, Lorelai Gilmore resorted to serious thinking, while pondering the meaning of life over the thought provoking film, The Breakfast Club. Divulging in ice cream and chips seemed like the only immediate answer to her problems, which was why she was surprised when the phone rang.  
  
Tripping over loose candy on the floor, and crunching errant chips that had fallen during her splurge, she got to the answering machine and greedily waited for the message from the caller. "Please, Rory, please…" she muttered to herself as she heard her perky voice announcing that it was the Gilmore residence.  
  
When her greeting had ended, she reached for the phone, expecting Rory to be the caller, but was instead greeted by the shaky voice of Luke. "Ummm…Hi, Lorelai? It's Luke. Hey, I was wondering, if, ummm…God I hate talking to these things. Anyway, I was wondering if you were, you know, going to be…" "Yes," Lorelai urged him on while listening to the message. "Well, I was wondering if you were coming into the diner today. Yup, that was all I was wondering. So I guess I'll see you later, or not, whatever. Ummm…bye." He hung up, and Lorelai breathed a sigh of relief.  
  
She needed to talk to Luke, needed to explain some things, but waiting for Rory's call was taking precedent over everything in her mind, and with a gloomy expression, she returned to the woes of high school teenagers in detention.  
  
- - - - - - - - - -  
  
Four hours later, when Rory still hadn't called, Lorelai began to worry. No, freak out was more like it. She had taken to pacing the ground in the kitchen, in the family room, hell, any place where her feet could walk. She walked herself into a rage.  
  
"This is all Luke's fault!" she thought to herself. "If he didn't kiss me, I would've been home in time to stop Rory's sex romp, and none of this would've happened…and I would know where my baby girl is, instead of going out of my mind worrying about her. Luke…yes, damn him…it's all Luke's fault!"  
  
With resolve she grabbed her coat, ignoring her purse and keys, and ran out the front door into the night, slamming the door behind her. Two seconds later, the phone rang.  
  
- - - - - - - - - -  
  
"Luke!" Lorelai bellowed as she entered the diner in the most unbecoming fashion known to women. All of the customers turned to look at her as she rushed to the kitchen in her search for a punching bag.   
  
Running behind the counter, she leaned her head in the kitchen window, and shouted for Luke again. His face appeared barely a foot in front of her own, and his response of "What?" sent Lorelai crashing upward into the opening, banging the back of her head.   
  
"Owww…" she complained, as she lowered her head and retracted fully.  
  
"That's what happens when you go behind the counter after I've told you not to…" Luke said in a teasing tone.  
  
"Oh, cut the crap, I'm in pain and I need to talk to you," Lorelai retorted.  
  
At her tone, an expression of pain crossed Luke's face, but just as soon as it came, it was gone. "Yeah, sure. Let's go upstairs where nobody can eavesdrop," he said, hoping that the news wasn't as bad as she made it sound.  
  
As they climbed the stairs, Luke braced himself for whatever she would throw at him, but he promised himself one thing: No matter what she said, she would listen to what he had to say too. He knew that he couldn't throw this opportunity away.  
  
When they reached the office above the diner, Lorelai slammed the door open and ran inside with her arms crossed defensively in front of her. "Hey!" Luke protested. "What's going on?"  
  
With her back still facing him, she replied, "It's all your fault."   
  
"What?"  
  
Turning, she said more loudly, "It's all your fault, Luke."  
  
"You're going to have to enlighten me, because I am so confused right now."  
  
"Rory's gone."  
  
"What?"  
  
"She's gone…and before you start protesting and form a search party, let me explain. She's an adult, she's gone. She can make her own decisions, but damn you, I could've been there for the most important one of all! And you…YOU! God, you just…delayed me."  
  
Luke looked totally aghast and replied, "Are you talking about when…well, when…you know, we…last night?"  
  
"Yes Luke," Lorelai replied sarcastically. "You delayed me. I should've been there, I could've stopped it."  
  
"Stopped what?"  
  
"God, can we not get into this right now?"   
  
"Lorelai, I need to help you. I need you to tell me what's wrong."  
  
"Nothing's wrong, Luke. Nothing at all. My daughter is missing, and nothing is wrong. But you know what, I don't think that's the only thing wrong. We're wrong, we're wrong!" Lorelai had begun pacing, and running her fingers through her hair out of agitation.   
  
With a shaky breath, Luke took off his baseball cap, and pulled it back on over his head in an attempt to calm his nerves. He knew what she was doing. He knew she was trying to run from it.  
  
"You can't mean that," was his only reply.  
  
"Oooh, but I do!" Lorelai countered.  
  
"No," Luke said forcefully. "No, no, no. I've let you run and disregard me for years, and I'm so tired of it. I care about you so much Lorelai, why can't you accept that?" Luke crossed the room, and pulled her into his arms. She started crying.  
  
Grasping the bottom of her chin gently, he tipped her head back and looked into her eyes. "Tell me that you don't know that?" he asked. Their gaze didn't break, and it continued to hold until he lowered his mouth to hers in a gentle and undemanding kiss.  
  
And he was the one to end it.  
  
Reopening her eyes, Lorelai knew she was afraid. She could feel the uncertainty, and it scared her. "It's still your fault," she said, with less conviction than before. Detangling herself from his arms, she wiped her face, and started toward the door. "I have to go," she said simply.   
  
Catching her arm as she passed by, Luke pulled her back. "You're scared," he said with frank honesty. "You're scared…I can't believe it."   
  
Wrenching her arm from his grasp, and straightening her jacket, she replied, "Yes, dammit, I'm scared. I'm scared of you, I'm scared of me, and I'm scared of us."  
  
He couldn't believe she'd finally said it. She couldn't believe she'd finally said it.  
  
"I've gotta go," she pressed for the second time, and turned the handle to the door.  
  
"What is it you're afraid of?" Luke called after her.  
  
"Nothing," she replied.  
  
"Are you afraid to kiss me?"  
  
"Most definitely not."  
  
"Then do it."  
  
"Goodbye, Luke."  
  
And he was left standing there alone, feeling the oddest sense of rejection.  
  
- - - - - - - - - -  
  
With a sigh, Lorelai opened the door and took off her jacket, hanging it in an old routine that was comforting. Rubbing her face, she moved toward the family room to pick up the mess from earlier, but was startled by seeing the face of Rory gazing up at her from the couch.  
  
"Hi, Mommy."  
  
"Rory! Oh my god, you had me worried sick!" Lorelai said gasping through her tears, and reaching down to hug her daughter.  
  
"I know. Shhh…Mom, it's okay."  
  
"No it's not. You're not my baby anymore, and I'm losing you! I didn't know what to do today, so I cried, and I watched TV, and I wallowed, and I had a conversation with a pig, and I hurt Luke…"  
  
"You had a conversation with a pig?" came Rory's reply with a laugh.  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"We don't need to talk about that one."  
  
"Good idea."  
  
Lorelai and Rory snuggled down on the couch side by side, holding hands as if afraid to let go for fear the other would disappear. "Where'd you go?" Lorelai plainly asked.  
  
"I just…drove. It was so amazingly cleansing."  
  
With a sniff, Lorelai replied, "Well I hope you remembered some good tunes, because good tunes really make a car drive worthwhile."  
  
Rory laughed, and they sat in silence for awhile, just feeling each others company.  
  
"Do you want to talk about it?" came Lorelai's tentative voice.  
  
"Maybe tomorrow."  
  
"That's good enough for me."   
  
And they relaxed in a hug as they watched the images fly across the television screen with no sound.  
  
- - - - - - - - - -  
  
The following morning, Luke was more than a little grumpy. In fact, nobody had ever seen him quite like this. He was just…disappointed, but he supposed that was what happened when you took risks. He took a risk, and he got burned.  
  
Not rightly of course, and he still didn't understand Lorelai's logic and fear, but he figured that he never would. Focusing his mind on the task of flipping pancakes, he never even looked up when the door opened.  
  
Lorelai bounced in with a smile, and politely inquired to Caesar where Luke was, he pointed his thumb toward the kitchen and warned her that he was in the worst mood ever.  
  
Disregarding his warning, Lorelai bounded into the kitchen behind Luke and chirped, "Hello!"  
  
Dropping a plate on the burner, and burning his hand slightly in the process, Luke turned around and cast an angry glare toward her before saying, "What do you want?"  
  
She took the plate from his hands and placed it through the order window before turning back to him and replying, "I just wanted to tell you that I am afraid of our relationship, but I am not afraid to kiss you, Mister Danes!"   
  
And with that, she pulled him forward by the collar of his shirt and gave him the most searing kiss while the whole diner looked on and applauded.

- - - - - - - - - - 


End file.
